Garytoons!

Okay, boys and girls… the word of the day is “bland.”

 

Can you say bland?

 

I knew you could. 🙂

 

So, I have recently had the opportunity to sample 3 new cereals – Dunkaroos, Tropical Froot Loops, and Elf on the Shelf.

 

None, by name, suggests blandness – in fact, just the opposite!  Dunkaroos were a cookie snack from the ’90s that you dipped in frosting, and they have sprinkles, for crying out loud.  Tropical Froot Loops – heck, it’s a tangier version of the Loops we love!  Pineapple, banana, orange, and mango-flavored loops, to be specific – it screams anything but bland, right?  A party for the taste buds, right?

 

Wrong.

 

And Elf on the Shelf – a sugar cookie flavored cereal with marshmallows.  A stinkin’ Christmas tradition already (it says so right on the box!).

 

Well, let’s break down the blandness individually, shall we?

 

If you didn’t read my review of Dunkaroos (and why not, if you didn’t?), you learned that they’re lovely little sprinkled discs of blandness.  They don’t taste like cookies, and they certainly don’t taste like frosting, for goodness’ sake.  Store ’em in the fridge to mildly reduce the blandness factor, if you feel the overwhelming urge to buy them, although I can’t imagine why you would.

 

On to Tropical Froot Loops!

 

I really thought there were rules about false advertising.  The bird let us down, man.  There is nothing remotely resembling pineapples, bananas, oranges or mangoes in this blandfest.  There is just, sadly, blandness.  It tastes sugary, to a decent degree, before you add milk to it.  And that’s when the incredibly mild party comes crashing to a halt.  We added our own cereal marshmallows (available in the bulk foods section of lots of groceries near you!) to make them more palatable, but…. should you really have to do that to something with the words “Tropical” and “Loops” in it?  I don’t think so.

 

And finally, our old creepy friend himself — the Elf on the Shelf.

 

There really was no need for him to come down off the shelf for this stuff.  At all.

 

It actually tastes pretty decent out of the box – but again, pour milk on ’em, and yikes.  The sugar coating washes off and you are left with a mouth full of bland.

 

And talk about false advertising – holy schlamoly.  I think I counted maybe two incredibly small, hot cocoa-sized marshmallows in my bowl.  My wife counted exactly none in hers.  None!  Not a one!  Look at that box!  Look how happy that elf looks!  Does he look marshmallow-deprived to you?  Does he????

 

 

No.  He does not.

 

So, yeah.  Three new cereals, three big disappointments.  It’s like these cereal companies forgot how to make non-bland cereal!  It’s really crazy.  If they’re going to give us stuff like this, they should just stick to the old stuff!  I am certainly hoping for better things when I try a couple more new cereals I have waiting in the wings – Crayola cereal and Pokemon cereal.  (Great – cereal based on waxy writing utensils and… whatever the heck a Pokemon is!)

 

Wish me luck! 🙂